Posts Tagged ‘ story

Impossible Massage

He kneels above her back with sweat beading on his elbows and knots in his palms. Silhouettes in a well-lit room, the world flickers and whirls around them. Conversation goes as it does, in ebbs and flows of insight and sympathy. Touching on deep muscles and cold winters, past and memories and not those things as well.

There is a knot on her left shoulder.  It reminds him of that time at the beach. A short sunset, waves forever, sand in sandwiches. The sand-castle builders had been out, there must have been a contest because there were so many and they were so big. And some of them had people inside. Always happy people; some with feathers and wings, others with scales and fins, smiling and waving or laying. And there had been that volcano, it was huge with rivers of sand-lava and forests of sand-trees and cracks of sand-destruction. And the real wind had been at it. And the forests were collapsing in on themselves. And the rivers of lava were shallow and ignoble. And after minutes of scrambling she had climbed it. The sun had just gone down for him, so he imagined that she could have seen it had she turned around. She looked at him and smiled at him, and he smiled at all the smiling sand-faces and the ruined sand-trees, at her footsteps ruining the volcano, and at her butt that he thought was enjoying its own sunset. He was smiling at her and at her sand-future, thinking of the ways they were, together. He let out a laugh and ran towards the volcano, jumped the moat of mud-lava, crushed the town at the base, tore through the forests and the trees and the rivers of molten rock. Tore up the earth in his rush to get to her while the volcano grew active again and pushed up tons of rock and grew with greater speed and furor the more he rushed. And he couldn’t get closer no matter how he tried, but he couldn’t give up and he knew that he would never stop and the moment was over and he reached her in his embrace and the volcano was dead again. But he knew that the sand and cold of sunset was an illusion and that he would never reach her, that she would be dancing while the earth carried her away and the wind ate her and time turned her into birds and fish, giving her all their trappings. He could see that her eyes were already scaled over, and that the magic of the light bouncing out of them was really the reflection from the reptilian patina blocking her sight. But she wore it well. And they collapsed together laughing, her left shoulder tucked in his right armpit, her head on his chest, knees intertwined. And they watched the clouds being ruined by the wind.

There is a knot on her left shoulder. It has been hurting her for days, only she didn’t know. He gets to it; she sighs. Her mind is all blackness and warmth.

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Don’t query me with those querying eyes

She said “You live your life too much like a bad movie”

She said “You don’t know what love is”

She said “You try too hard”

She said.

I said “Life is what love is, and what’s the point if you don’t try?”

I come back to her again, after years of silence. You get lost in the moment. You don’t understand yourself. You don’t care. I say things over and over again, in different ways. I get back moans of displaced experience, signs of her indifferent ways. Where am I supposed to go with this, I ask her in earnest. But, it’s no good, her eyes are glazed over again. She’s lost in movies and pills, and she would call them films as I look upon her in some shakespearean sense. Seeing what’s good and beautiful in a life ravaged by living. Probably more a life torn by lack of tears; her, needing something stronger to make the years of apathy and coma worthwhile.

I  found the meaning of life, I tell her. She smiles lasciviously. No, I’m serious. She continues. Well, you’ve just got to care about people and try hard. Take god out of the picture, get rid of the super-noumenal, the non-phenomenal, and everything’s so simple. The big questions get a lot smaller. We’ve spent five thousand years blowing everything out of proportion, cycling in upon ourselves, and thinking that our thoughts were real. Maybe closer to a hundred thousand. But now, like waking from a dream, like a swift kick to the balls, like finally looking in the mirror, we’re starting to understand all the amazing things: who we are, where we are, why we are. And it’s beautiful like the rainbows in oil-slicked puddles, and it’s beautiful like last night.

People talk about the end of music, the end of history, the end of people and the end of everything. And lie there and smile at the ceiling and I’ll just keep talking. This first literate culture is making us cave in on ourselves, we’re starting to see how short our range and how fat our fingers and how big the big red button that marks the end of the world. The human ear can only hear so many tones, the mind make sense of so many beats per minute, and eventually we’ll run out of ways to say things. And all the best ways will have been said. But then, also, we’ve only got so much soul, and so many ways to put emotions together. And eventually all of these will have been done. And if it weren’t for writing this would not ever have become an issue. If not for Gutenberg we would still be living every day as though the thoughts we are having are somehow unique, specially unique. And of course, you know me, I am a strong believer in uniqueness among us. But eventually everything worthwhile will have been said. Will have been said better and truer. And frankly I don’t think that we’re that far off. And will that make us better or worse? And what will be the point then?

Right now it’s easy: nothing is perfect. Be nice to people and work hard at what you love and everything will turn out great. But I’m scared of a perfect future. And I’m not satisfied by the equilibrium-breaking of the second law. I don’t trust it to work forever. Hopefully I guess we will be constrained by other physical fundamentals and we will always have something to work towards. Some new beauty. Some new revelation.

And that’s all anything is, isn’t it? Revelations in sequence. What is art without revelation? Expression and innovation are just petty words for revelation. . .

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Bright and Dreary (good morning)

Last night i met a girl at a concert. A pretty good concert, and a really pretty girl. She was maybe a little too thin, but long, straight, black, hair that framed exactly the type of face i like surrounded by raven hair. her eyes were maybe a little too vacant for comfort, but they really seemed to fit in that face, with that hair, with those spindly arms and legs and that gorgeous white dress. And she didn’t talk much, and surprisingly i didn’t talk much, and the weirdest thing was that she wasn’t wearing any shoes. I don’t know what she was doing at the troubadour without any shoes. We spoke a little, but mostly we just enjoyed frivolous pleasures brought by frivolous music. Then we left together, merging with the line that seemed too long and thin, why weren’t the people crowding together to get out those doors? It didn’t matter, i was filled with the kind of melancholy joy that i only experience when in the presence of someone in obviously great pain. My usual torpor was lifted in the presence of this graceful girl in the white dress with the black hair and almond eyes.

I hadn’t noticed, but we had left the troubadour and were walking down a street filled with white buildings and black lamp-posts that shed no light. The general atmosphere was that of ruined buildings raging with fire. But their facades were intact and flawless white and there was not even a hint of orange in the grey light. Another girl was walking with us now, but forgive me if i don’t remember what she was wearing, all i can remember about her is that she was dead silent and dressed exactly the same as my beautiful girl, but with red hair and a face so forgettable as to not even really be there. I felt like i needed to protect my girl from this new creature, that there was some horrible danger in her silent presence. I followed my girl into a two-storied building and saw that the walls were drywall and iron, that the drywall was paintless and rusted, that the iron was buckling under the weight of the mildew that had consumed its strength. My girl was scared. The glide with which she had been moving was now stilted and hesitant, and her dress was sticking to her, weighed down with hundreds of tiny drops of sweat. The naked creature with red hair and no face and almond eyes was closer to us now but my girl still did not notice that she was there. We clambered up the steps in the back as they splintered and tore her feet and pierced her calves and there was bone showing and she left a trail of blood, but other than the slight hesitation and her increasingly stilted gait she was not affected. Even the tears in my eyes did not affect her, despite our gaze being locked since we first met at the bar in the troubadour. At the top of the stairs it became apparent that we were on the second level of the building, after how many hours of climbing and pain i don’t know. On a balcony, and we could see everything. The whole block. There was the troubadour behind us, a lonely spot of brown in a monochrome landscape. But we were above everything as well as being in its midst, we could see into all of the buildings, could see the fire eating them from within. Could see the mildew pulsing with a hungry life, cringing away from the fire even as it spewed black water and made the fire dance. Could see the rust spreading with the quiet confidence of entropy. I took all this in while my girl was pushing through the iron railing, jumping onto what must once have been the base of a giant statue, and leaping ten feet to the next balcony. And i noticed the fountain at the end of the block, knew that was our final destination, and knew that the blue thing with red hair would never let us reach it, that the closer we got to the fountain the closer it would get to us, that the two distances were linked, and that just as our only hope was to reach the fountain, our only goal must be to avoid the girl with red hair at all costs. So i followed my girl, bringing our bane closer with every step i took. The fires were growing and the insides of the buildings were crumbling but their facades were untouched. If i had had the courage to go to the street i would not have known the destruction occurring in these crumbling rooms and corridors. But I was fighting for every step, and though my lungs were full of ash and my eyes were not even open i knew that this was the only path i could take. I walked towards my girl’s eyes, always trying to stay between her and the other one, my thoughts grew weak and aimless and all that was left was the feeling that there was warmth in those burdened eyes and i had to protect it from the frost that was creeping closer with every step i took.

And then there were no more walls in front of me, there was no ash and no fire and no mildew trying to breed in my lungs, there were just the steps leading down to the fountain. A ring hundreds of feet wide, with another, slightly smaller and lower one inside of it, and another, steps leading downwards into a pit with crystal blue water in the center. I was behind my girl, nearly touching her, and the frost had pealed the skin off my back, and my muscles were not listening to me any more, just following the call of her eyes, and i could feel my exposed ribs being stroked by the cold air. I was too scared to turn around so i just followed my girl on her bloody stumps, with her halting grace that had never slowed, not when every fiber was torn from her naked feet, not when her bones were crushed by breathing mildew, not when her face and arms were torn by rust, not when her skin and blood was blackened by fire. All that i could do was try and protect her from the cold as we approached the fountain at the bottom of the world. I got closer as the cold burnt away the last of the skin on my face and froze my eyes and started to make her shiver. And she glided and i hugged her and my world was her black eyes as the steps started to crack from the cold, and my hug cracked her poor skin but at least it was warm, my heart was still beating and its fire was enough to keep her going as her eyes were enough for me. And then we were at the fountain, and we stained it red with our blood when we fell into it laughing, while the world exploded in the most painful sunrise.

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forgive me father for i have sinned

It has been months since my last confession. I went to your church last night, but you were not there. It was loud and empty and i thought that if i shouted you would hear me so i yelled as loud as i could.
But you were not there.

I’ve never been good at hiding, and i have never learned how to seek. The screams and the flagelations served only to keep you away, i think. I could use a confession, and i just don’t think that this is the medium for it.

q.

p.s. if you could, would you please ask god to help kris become famous? it would really mean a lot.

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You say “I don’t know how to live”

the only certainty

is that everything ends.

this is as good as it is bad.

and so: a drawing of an island, and a drawing of a lake (in that order).

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Confessional

I spoke with a priest a while ago. He told me to turn myself in to the police.

I asked if there wasn’t some prayer i was supposed to say.

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Apocalypse

The burning rose again in his chest. An internal fire of visions unknown to the world floated behind his eyes, a fire that showed only in his slightly moistened eyes and almost hunched posture. He heard her words and managed to respond legibly, without slurring or deprecation, but the visions continued to pass. Fleeting glimpses of tear-worn eyes and dark horsemen, of shallow breathing and spectral fire.

An ages old mix of longing and deception, the fire had burned so long it could not be interpreted for speaking, it had become the history of the world. In the ages since its ignition it had grown cold and alive, become hungry and settled down as a squalid pall over his thoughts, moldering and eating away at its host; a cup of milk long neglected now just a writhing green and white mass. Simple errors and great pains consumed his body, fanning embers of memory, regret and impotence. Every recollection of her eyes reaching for sobs that could not be pulled from his body.

Finally, sitting in the car with his lips covered in snot and tears the coals found their kindling. The burning erupted into a wrathful holocaust of fire and pain, anger directed inwards to sear his lungs and fingers and stomach, the sobs wracked his body until his muscles were cold fire and his face, always so composed, was a mass of lines which hinted at his infernal agonies.
The fire had not receded but at least its hallucinations were somewhat comprehensible.

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lif

For some reason I tend to think of life as basically a hopeful place. Like, as long as you’re there, there is some chance of things being fundamentally OK. Like life is where we are and that it’s looking at us as though to say “yeah.” Like, if you look around you’ll notice all the beautiful little hints spread around with an air of beneficence. Like life is just. . . .you know?

For some reason I am mad and punch Life in the face. Then I realize that Life is in fact the Vast Acting Living Intelligent Sum of our identities, and that we’re real shits.

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More generic than before

It’s late and quodlibetor is extraordinarily tired and instead of doing the rational thing, he has spent the last three hours molding a life less lived, shaping something that is no more interesting for the effort. A life of pseudo-reality and pseudo-friendship. The distraction provided by this life totally engrosses him. Slowly but surely he becomes one with them, and even more slowly and even less surely he adopts the rough approximation of false skill common to these people. Soon he forgets about the real life that lies just on this side of the electrified screen. Totally engrossed, he moves forward into realms with so little imagination that all of their inhabitants have lost interest in any sign of creativity that is not immediately obvious and painful to the eye.

He laughs at an inside joke that will not be funny to anyone because it is invisible to everyone but himself. And then he watches as others delite in the same wearisome play. Soon he is overcome with ennui so overpowering that he must sit back, must breath, must break and the life once lived come from a source of near-certain death.
He notices something. The image before him is familiar. Attractive. It conjures memories of a heady perfume and a breeze so still one would want to call it listless except for the beauty in life and nature it conveys. So one calls it golden. He looks closer. The eyes are almost purple. Beauty. Pure beauty. Andsuch words! words to make his head spin. words to cut the veil from his eyes. And then… No. It can’t be. He knows this person. This is not what he was looking at. This, this person is ugly. Ugly and scarred and emotionally barren. And then his brave false world falls down and brings his false self with it. And he stands up and goes outside into the cold and watches the end.

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