ain’t that the truth

Earlier there was an earthquake. Not a big one. Not even two seconds long, nothing broke. But sometimes it feels good to be reminded that everything old, and stable, and really (truly) fundamental… is just as ridiculous and shaky as two flies fucking on top of your ice cream sandwich.
Sometimes i feel like the webs of interaction are physical forces holding me to one and only one line of action. Sometimes even thought.
Sometimes i feel the sense of what people are expecting from me, or of what i expect from myself, such as when i am supposed to laugh because it is funny. And it IS funny. And i see the humor. And i don’t laugh, and i don’t know why. I’m pretty sure it’s not because i’m humorless or joyless. Anyway, the point of this one is not exegesis. Not with my soul as text, anyway.

In the morning, when lying in bed just after waking, and the thought “this doesn’t actually exist, not in the way that i think it does, not really… i mean, this bed is less than 0.000000001% matter according to a classical model, and, fuck!.. forget about q.mechanics and don’t ever even consider learning about string theory’s metaphysical implications if you want to hang onto even a little shred of sanity. Nothing exists.” tries to manifest, tries to make itself more real than a unicorn. Neither of which have any relation to phenomenal reality. That’s just f.y.i.

First of all, fuck phenomenology. Yeah, it’s fine and life affirming and, in the end, really how we live. The point is that it’s a copout. Life, the universe, everything is so fundamentally Insane from our p.o.v. that suppression and voluntary ignorance is a worse fault than all the lies ever told over sex.
Second, fuck politics. In the general. Fuck self-serving assholes who don’t recognize that everything is always everything and something is always nothing. We’re stuck in a rut and obviously nobody knows how to get out. Eh. Mostly i’m surprised that so many people care and yet so little gets done. Really. I’m just plain out confused.
Third, and last, fuck voiceless ranting in the dark.

Mathematician Georg Cantor chose the hebrew letter aleph as his symbol for a specific type of infinity. Aside from the probable fact that the good greek letters were already taken i like to think that there was some flat out humor in him choosing the first hebrew letter (in the traditional numerical system of judeism and kabbalah it also represents the number 1). Aleph is also a silent consonant. Completely silent, like ‘y’ without the ‘yuh’ sound, or the ‘p’ in psychopomp. Just always silent.

Technorati Tags: life, philosophy

“dude, how’s it going?”
“okay.”
“oh, well, alright… i was just calling to see how you’re doing..?”
“okay.”
“…”
“…”
“yeah, well, i figured we hadn’t spoken in a while and i was just calling to see how you’re doing.”
“yeah, i’m ok.”
“okaaaaay. um, i guess i’ll talk to you later then?”
“yeah.”

(sorry)

Technorati Tags: life

i don’t like cigarettes because they make me want to smoke.
i don’t like sex because it makes me horny.
i don’t like food because it makes me hungrier.
i don’t like money because i always want more.
i don’t like knowledge because it makes me feel ignorant.
i don’t like music because i want to never stop listening.

Technorati Tags: life

we are what we do. not even, we are what other people think we do. to them. to those other people, those people that we care about (usually) and who we (usually) want to care about us, it’s what they think we’ve done that matters. but i never really know what you think of me. and neither do you. i have had a million thoughts that none of you will ever know. i have seen a million beautiful sights, and a million ugly ones. everything essentially alone, because we are what we know. the more you know me, the more you are me. spiritual union can come from knowledge. even the most radically un-philosophical buddhist would agree that the enlightened are united to all of us through shared knowledge. the blatant fact of our disociation from each other frustrates me. i know i will never truly understand you. i might understand most of you, maybe we will share unspeakable thoughts for a few brief moments, we might come as close as it is possible for two different groupings of psychosis and stability to be, but you will never know me. Most people never get beyond crude charicatures, the greatest have perhaps achieved an understanding of one another bordering on monet’s appreciation for his environment. everything is built from those random pieces of insight we shape from half-noticed gestures, partially-understood actions, reinterpreted conversations.

when i was five or six i wanted to be the best spy in america, because i was sure that he would know the most about what was really going on in the world. i went through the various political offices after that and eventually decided that i wanted to be a scientist. eventually i lost my appetite for science, it’s interesting to be sure, but i don’t care and really, i never did. the only things that have ever really mattered to me are people, and you are probably the most confusing entity in existence. i don’t care about the machinations of those who think that they’re in power, i don’t care about how this whole fucking universe is put together or where it comes from or where it’s going. i don’t really care about any of the toys science has made for my consumption. hell, i only care about consumerism insofar as it makes people stupid. they’re all just avenues of distraction. bright lights and bushy tails. cat food and psychosis. i think that i don’t want to be alone, but i don’t know what that means. i know that there has got to be something better than what we’ve got right now, …. well, probably anyway.

I don’t know who i am. i don’t mean that as some pseudo-psychological bullshit, i mean it as pseudo-philosophical bullshit. i don’t know which part of me is important. i don’t know if the things that i don’t say would be better said, or the things i say better left unsaid. I don’t know if i have ever done the right thing. But more importantly, i don’t think i have ever expressed my thoughts in a meaningful way. Completely aside from my ego’s desire to be understood, this makes me feel terrifyingly alone. I’m not bitching about nobody understanding me…

Technorati Tags: life, people